Give Yourself Away
by Tintenfeder
Summary: Garuh just wants to fit in. She wants to live up to her grandfather's standards and forget the git Obi-Wan. But, as a padawan, she has to learn just how easily lines get blurred.
1. Hated Padawan

**Part I**

 _-Trust is a fragile thing. Easy to break, easy to lose. And one of the hardest things to ever get back.-_

"Garuh! Concentration!", scolded Master Zoda me and pierced his icy blue gaze into my back. I could literally feel the scorn in them as they bored burning holes of shame into my being.  
During his stern tone I winced, because I _really_ hated to cause my master any trouble.  
I inhaled deeply and caught the scent of the florishing tulips that were planted all around the pavillion we were sitting under.  
There was no wind and the sun was shining.  
It was spring and you could practically hear those plants grow.

 _ **You're worth nothing more than me, you little beast!**_

My mind raced, despite my continuing tries to calm me, wildly.  
Frustrated, I gritted my teeth and sighed when I still found no peace.

 _ **Just do me a favour and try not to 'grace' myself with your precense again. I try to work my way up, unlike you.**_

My anxiety was alone Obi-Wan Kenobi's fault! He was a padawan, like me, but two years older and considered himself to be the most important being on Coruscant!  
And then he called me a spoiled brat who was only Jedi because her grandfather is senator!  
My live is only harder because of that.  
Grandpa has high expectations of me. It is the only thing he has every asked of me. To be a strong and skilled knight.  
I want to prove to him that I can rise above it all; I want to show him that I can be more than the child of the daughter who has betrayed him.

But Kenobi does not understand all of this, of course. Just because he didn't have it easy and lived in poverty doesn't mean that only he can understand something like gratitude or loyalty! _He is a Ar**hole. I know despair. I know how it feels to be not enough!_

I was furious beyond compare.

So angry that it had an impact on the environment. Within my rage I had unknowingly unleashed the Force within me and created a wave of power that made the pillars of the pavilions shake and several smaller plants uproot around it.

Poor tulips.  
I'm sorry.  
They had so much before them. Some of the white flowers hadn't even opened their petals yet.  
Rest in flower-heaven.

My master was on his feet in an instant, the wave had apparently not even touched him, and grabbed me by the shoulders to get me out of my trance.  
"Enough, Garuh! Calm down, you know that anger is the path to the dark side. What troubles you so?", his forehead was creased and eyebrows drawn together in worry.

I trembled as I stumbled to my feet and needed a moment before I understood the question. "Kenobi's arrogance has once again led his actions."  
I tried to express myself as a true Jedi - master of my emotions. I don't know if I succeeded. Instead of saying something Master Zoda only lifted his eyebrows.

He had often heard this answer from me, in many versions. He and Master Jinn had, because of my almost daily escapades with Kenobi, that they had to solve every time, become something like friends. There was a calm understanding between them that I – in my youthness – could not unsterstand.

I had seen Qui-Gon Jinn often (secretly found him really intimidating) and heard of him twice as much, but had not yet talked to him personally.  
I knew that he was very tall for a man. Of course, even he looked tiny next to my master, but that was because as a Twi'lek he had achieved a size of roughly 2.20 metres.

You can imagine how dwarfed I felt in his precense. But you get used to it. Eventually.

"I'll talk to Qui-Gon about it."  
He turned around and ordered in passing:  
"Until I get back, you'll meditate here without a break. I hope to hear nothing about another incident." He had phrased it qute nicely. It didn't sound like an order when Master Zola said it like that. But it was. An order with an underlying threat. He'd ground me for life if I did anything stupid.

I knew something like this had to have been coming. Even if it was only Kenobi's fault, I got a penalty. With this I'll never become a Jedi and won't make my grandfather proud. Damn it. I needed to get this idiot out of my system. I can't let him get to me. That's what he wants.

Tying my hair together I sat back down and tried to calm myself.  
I should follow Master Zola's instructions. I had already given him enough trouble. But I should concern myself with training now.

"I can think about that later." I muttered softly to myself and was just about to close my eyes as a familiar face entered my vision. I had to stop myself from retching. That twit.

"About what?", a mischievous grin stretched across his face and he raised his eyebrows suggestively. ''Me by any chance?'', he stalked closer, his gangly form relaxed while mine was tense. "Kenobi," my voice was dangerously low, "get lost." I had raised myself from my seat and stood with him at eye level. He dipped his head a bit to make me even more uncomfortable at our closeness.

"What is that? This place isn't yours. But surely the senator can buy it for you. _Like everything else in your life_. I can be here _whenever_ I want."

He had this twinkle in his eyes, he only wanted me upset and in trouble. But I restrained myself. For now. Obi-Wan had alwyas been the only one to send me over the edge. "It may well be that this place doesn't belong to me. But you disturb my meditation, so I have the right to ask you to go away." I felt that my cheeks were flushed with anger and I saw exactly that he knew it too. ''Oh! Are you blushing?!'', he was taunting me. ''Leave.'', I practically growled.

"Oh, but I won't go." looking at him with narrowed eyes I replied: "You **will** go."  
The following was my death sentence.

" _Make me._ "

The way he spoke it made me furious. As if he was sure that I could not beat him!  
I splapped him hard. His head snapped to the side and he held his redding cheek with a surprised squeak.

"You bitch!"

He lashed out at me and tried to pin me down under his weight. I wriggled my arms out and was able to land two more punches in his face.

One to the jaw and the other to the nose. I kicked him off me and tried to hold him down, I did not hesitate to use my fingernails. Red scratches, some deep ones bleeding, stretched across his face and he howled in pain, tightly shutting his eyes to protect them. Kenobi struck out blindly and hit me hard on the shoulder and the cheek. With immense power he grabbed me and then turned back to the top. But I did not want to give my position up, so we ended up rolling arcoss the stony floor.

Our cries had attracted attention and some padawans watched our fight interested. Others were shocked, but did not dare to intervene.

The tawny haired boy pressed his knees into my ribcage, making it hard to breathe. Desperate to get air I kicked his southern regions, to wich he responded by wincing and momentarily stupor. I freed myself and got his jaw again, this time hearing a cracking sound.

Despite that nobody was really winning. We were equal. It was hard to admit it, but it was a fact. While he was stronger I was a quicker thinker and strategist.

Luckily someone had sent for the masters, for our struggle would have gone on; nobody willing to give up.  
Master Zola hurried across the field, accompanied by Master Jinn.

"Stop. Now!", neither of us listened to our masters in the heat of the fight, so they had to interfere in our fight and move us away from one another.

Master Zola had first packed Kenobi, so Master Jinn now held me back.

Breathing heavily, I tried to calm myself. Struggling would only make things harder. Only now I registered the pain in my shoulder and my face. I looked over at Kenobi. His jaw looked somehow ... wrong, and his nose was swollen, probably sprained. Because of the scratches he looked like some kind of animal had attacked him.

Good to know I had also left my marks on him.

"What's going on?", Master Jinn raised his voice as he let go of me when he realized that I would not attack Kenobi again.  
Mentioned, however, didn't look so calm, but he had no chance against the huge Twi'lek who was my master.

"The beast there beat me! It's only her fault!" Growled the padawan angrily.  
"You played for it to happen! You didn't go when I asked you to!" "I'll never let a senator brat tell me anything!" I took a step toward him and felt Master Jinn hold me back with a calm (but firm) hand on my shoulder.

"You-! You are such a pest, Kenobi! You go die!"

A few surprised outcries were heard. What I had just said was unheard of for the Jedi. To wish for someones death, was a request that led directly to the dark side. But I actually didn't care. It was what I felt for Obi-Wan Kenobi in that moment. It was just like him to hold onto prejudices. Everything would be easier without him. He was the only one who could really drive me to insanity. He was always responsible for me having any punishment.

I would be a model student, the perfect padawan if it wasn't for Kenobi angering me.

He destroyed everything.

I looked into his blue eyes. They reflected back what was seen in mine. He never looked behind the surface. From the first moment on when we met in the temple had he antagonized me. Had never given me any chance. The moron just judged me by my rang. Not my character. At first that fact irrated me, but after a while I stopped myself from caring. If he wanted war he could have it.

But I really wish he would just disappear and never again set a foot on Coruscant.

"That goes too far!", I looked with wide eyes at my master.

He never had lost his calm like that. "Garuh and Obi-Wan, you two are going to get along or else I will tell the Council about this accident! Is that clear?"

I nodded furiously, glancing at Kenobi seeing him doing the same. This thing could guet us kicked out of the Jedi-Order.

And Master Zola could be really frightening if he wished. He exited the field as quick as he came and left only Master Jinn, me and Kenobi standing in the pavillion. There was an uncomfortable silence in which I tried to locate the place on by body that hurt most. Definitly my shoulder.

"I'm going...I'm going to go.", Kenobi stuttered a bit, he was, like me quite shaken at Master Zola's outburst. I guessed he was heading to the medical centre. He limped a bit. I smiled. My doing.

"I came here to talk with you about Obi-Wan, Garuh, but I see that there is a better time for that. I have to go know, I still have matters to attend to.", why would Master Jinn want to talk with me about the jerk?

But I nodded and told him a farewell. I should concern myself with other matters right now. Master Zola seemed really disappointed in me. I hoped I could sort this whole mess out...somehow. It wouldn't be easy. I had fucked up. So I was willing to take any punishment he would give me in return for his forgiveness.

After a few hours of walking around and trying to organize my thoughts a bit, I went to get my shoulder treated. I will admit that I partly waited so long because I didn't want to run into Obi-Wan.

Nobady there asked me why I came. I suppose everybody knew about the little incident by now. News spread like wind here. The only reson why Master Windu or Yoda hadn't summoned us, was that our masters had probably talked them out of it. Especially Master Windu. He could be a bit rash at times.  
As I went to bed I knew I would not sleep, for my mind was still in turmoil. Dark figures invaded my dreams, shifting them into nightmares and I considered that it could be a sign of dark times coming for me.  
I was right.  
But where there is darkness, there is also light.  
I couldn't have possibly known what unlikely person was going to guide me through this endless night.

In the morning I could only remember a blue sky looking down at me.

* * *

 **A/N: I own nothing, but my OC's. This is an AU.**

 **So, here is my first real story and I don't really know yet where this is going...but I hope you'll like it.**

 **Reviews help me get better, so please leave one.**


	2. Good Genes

After my fight with Kenobi, nothing was like it used to be. Master Zola only ever looked at me when he really had to and his stare was void of any emotion then. I couldn't remember the last time he talked to me more than a few words. It frustrated me. He had always been the one I could tell anything, the one who listened. It strained my calm to not being able to do that anymore. I bottled it all up. In this time, I seperated myself from other people more than I already did and began to wonder if Master Zola ever liked me to begin with. He seemed so distant now. I felt tears swell in my eyes as I sat on the floor of the very place where my misery began. The pavillion. I was alone, I never had friends, and Master Zola was, apart from grandfather, the only person I was close to. But that was over. My eyes burned but I didn't want to let the tears fall - I didn't want to have this weakness. I was going to be a Jedi Knight, I had to control my emotions.

 _There is no emotion. There is peace._

But peace was far from my mind as I looked up to see my master staring down at me. I scrampled up and muttered a quick 'Hello, master.' to the looming figure before me. The green Twi'lek didn't response. He didn't even awknowledge that I had said something. "What can I do for you?" I tried again to catch his attention. Now he looked at me, bewildered, as if he had just noticed I stood beside him. _I'm not important enough for him to notice._ But he was quick to compose himself. "We are going on a mission.", Master Zola said calmly and turned around, knowing I would follow after. The earth around the pavillion had been freshed and new tulips had been planted. I briefly glanced at them. They weren't as beautiful as the old ones. Those were lilac. Not the pure white their predecessors were. "With Master Jinn and his padawan." I hoped he couldn't sense my distaste at the mention of that git. "Get the things you need and meet us immediately thereafter at Hangar II." I just nodded and went to go to my room, ignoring everybody I passed on the way. I quickly grabbed the things I would need – clothing and my saber – and stuffed them in the bag I had always prepared and hurried to Hangar II. Master Zola was accompanied by Master Jinn already there and waited patiently for me to come. I looked around to see if the jerk was already there, but I could see no sign of him between the crowds of people. I bent my head as I came to stand before the masters. I was glad I didn't have to look them in the eyes. "Master Zola, Master Jinn. I am here as you requested. Where is the fourth member of our party, if I may ask?", I tried to keep the venom from my voice. I didn't think I could ever forgive Obi-Wan for what he dit to me. Everything was his damn fault.  
"Obi-Wan should be here shortly.", Master Jinn had answered the question and I noticed then how smooth and deep his voice was. It matched his appearance perfectly. He was a powerful Jedi, a user of the Living Force, he could be in the Council if he wished. And if he wasn't such a rebell. It wasn't that he violated the rules, no, he just always did what he thought was right. No matter what others said. But everyone knew that, he was somewhat infamous for it. I thought it showed just how strong and independent he was. Master Jinn had to justify himself to no one.

"What's up, little beast?", sounded a call behind me. I didn't bother to turn around. I knew exactly who it was. "Nothing, big jerk.", I mirrored his name calling. Kenobi came to stand beside me, much to my annoyance. He had a bag slumped on his shoulder and looked like always _dashingly handsome_. **Haha**.

Yeah, right – as if. Master Zola gave me a stern glance and explained where we were going to. "There have been troubles on Treta VII. The Troitan leader has been murdered and the Trajan leader will attack the Troitan if they do not find a new one, a strong one, quickly. They want us to protect their meetings. There are two canidates. Balg'Uhr and Wys'Kah. Wys'Kah is the one who send for us. His cousin Ton'Sila is the murdered leader." _'Kah will want to keep the leadership within the family. He will fight for the position, for sure. A possibly dangerous mission. Why do we get this mission now? Has Master Zola requested it? For me and the jerk to get along better? Or is it a coincidence? No. There are no coincidences. It will be a test. If I can work with someone I can't stand. If I can control my emotions to be calm enough to face a difficult situation. I won't fail._ I stared at Kenobi, who went into the ship right after me. _He better not ruin this for me._ As if he had felt what I had thought about him, he told me across the room we were in: "Don't worry, kiddie. If you don't punch me again I won't either." I was grateful that the masters were in the cockpit, talking with our pilot, if they weren't they would have seen me shaking with anger. How dare he call me kiddie? He was only two years older than me, for god's sake!

''Do you know how unsufferable you are?''

The twit smirked. ''I try my best, _ma lady_.'' I huffed. I knew what he just did. He'd changed one letter and bend my lady, a respectful titel, to malady, as if I was some kind of sickness. ''Two can play a game _mallard_.'', Kenobi only grumbled, apperantly he hadn't thought I could come up with a good response. ''Don't overestimate yourself. You really think you can keep up with me?'' Instead of barking out a curse at him, I just left the room searching for my quarters. After I found them and unpacked a few important things I heard a knock at the door. Who would that be? Nobody had a reason to talk to me. "Come in." I was surprised to see Master Jinn enter. "What can I do for you, Master Jinn?" He smiled and replied: "Nothing. It's rather that I do something for you. I wanted to come and apologize for my padawans childish behavior. He isn't in the right to antagonize you like this. I don't think he even really means what he says to you." I had to hold back a bitter laugh. Has Master Jinn _seen_ us? "Doesn't mean what he says? Please, that's bullshit. He hates me!" Master Jinn lifted his brow at my language, but otherwise didn't seem to mind my critic at what he had said. "I think quite the contrary is the case. Obi-Wan obviously has feelings for you he doesn't want to understand and accept.", his voice was calm, but there was a bitter edge to it. "What? You think he _likes_ me? Why would he do _that_?", I really didn't want to think that the jerk did anything but hate me. Because if he didn't I'd have to be _nice_ to him. Otherwise I would be cruel. But what are the odds? Obi-Wan just argues with me all the time. "Well, I'm sure he sees that you'll grow into a beautiful young woman.", something like that sounded weird from Master Jinn's lips and I felt my face heat up. Emberassment was my dearest enemy. I tried to hide my face so Master Jinn would not see the blush covering it. But it was of no use. He had already seen my reaction. And he _laughed_. It was a deep sound that rumbled in my ears. My face was getting hotter. "You must not be emberassed, for I only told the truth. You have good genes." I stopped hiding in my hands. Why would I have good genes? He doesn't know any of my relatives besides my grandpa as far as I know. But I don't know them either. So we're square on that. "How do you mean that?", I couldn't imagine that he meant my grandfather by saying I had good genes. That would be real gross. Grandpa is _old_. His face darkened. He looked serious again. I stared at the master - expecting a answer. With a sigh he sat down and began to tell: "Your mother. She was beautiful. Like the sun. Every man was in love with her and wanted her. She bathed in their attention. It was her downfall. There was a man. Leader of a planet, that wanted to break the peace. He paid no mind to her. And she became eaten by her arrogance. She wanted him to notice her, even if she didn't even like him. So she gave him information. Information Senator Baidfly had trusted her with. The planet attacked, but, with much trouble, he could put them back into place. Then he found out about your mothers betrayal. She would have been sentenced to death, had your grandfather not loved her too much to let her die. Instead she was sent to live in a colony on a desert-planet.", I knew that, I had been born on that planet. My mother had died at childbirth and my father had died long before that, as I was told. Unable to see his grandchild become a slave or die on that terrible planet, grandfather got me and, discovering I was a force-sensitive like him, let me live with him until he sent me to the Jedi. It surprised me that Master Jinn knew _her_. He had told me this story with that spark of... _something_ in his eyes and I desperately wanted one question answered. "Were you one of them?", I kept my gaze down, not daring to gaze into his blue eyes. He tilted my chin up, gently forcing me to look at him. He brushed a tear with his thumb away. I hadn't realized that I had begun to weep. I hated to know what my mother had done. She had risked thousands of lives, just for one man. A terrible thing to do. "You have her eyes.", I didn't want to know that! I didn't want to know that I looked like her... "Were you one of them?" _Were you one of the men who loved her?_ , I could only whisper. Master Jinn closed his eyes for a moment. He looked like he was in pain. I wanted to help him, but found that, consumed in my own misery, I could not. He opened his sky blue eyes again. They glinted with feelings long forgotten. "Yes." It was enough to sent me over the edge. Crying, I gripped onto Master Jinn's clothes and pressed my wet face into them. "Is it wrong of me that I miss her? Even if I never met her?", it was a wonder he even understood my mumbling.  
"It is not. I miss her as well.''

''But don't you hate her? For what she has done?'', my own guilt at missing such a terrible person welled up inside me.

''Everybody makes mistakes, Garuh. Some are just bigger than others. Don't blame yourself for anything, please. Nothing is your fault. You have no say in who you're related with.'', his voice was soothing, but I was much too hurt to be calmed down.

''But it is so hard to _know_.'', I looked at him with newfound fierceness,''Tell me about her. Did you ever...?''

Master Jinn chuckled. ''No. I was too shy at that time to admit my feelings to her. But we were good friends. I knew her through Senator Baidfly (who was a master at that time) for Sophiette wasn't a force-sensitive. She just wasn't made for it. Fighting wasn't in her nature. She loved plants and animals and cared for them when they were ill. But she was a bit arrogant. Her beauty ruined her somewhat.'', I could imagine that beauty did that to people. ''I only ever saw her good side. I was blind with love. Although my feelings were unreturned.''

Hearing about her lessened the ache in my heart a bit. I shared her love for animals. Plants always died in my care, but I really liked them. Even if they apparently did not return the favour.

Switching the subject because I could no longer bear to hear about her, I gave into a need I felt since he visited me.

''Do you know _why_ Master Zola **hates** me?''


End file.
